Trust is a delicate dance

Trust is such a fragile thing. I don’t even know why I bother sometimes. Why I always put my heart out on the line only to get hurt and disappointed. I heal and then I do it all over again, knowing that at some point I will get hurt. But to live fully is also to love, and to love means to open yourself up to immense joy and equally immense suffering. If you never trust and take the risk to love, you’ll never grow and learn how to be true and vulnerable with someone. You’ll be stuck as you are, where you are–safe on the shore with skin-deep relationships. You’ll never find out how deep you can go with another person. You’ll never find out if you can soar.

But some day, someone will spark a light in you with just a look, a few words, or an embrace you never saw coming. And at that moment you just have a feeling you will never be the same person you were moments before impact. You would give your trust-wrapped heart on a silver platter and think it will be enough.

It will be for a time. But one person doing all the giving cannot sustain a love no matter how blessed it is. It needs an equal give and take of trust. Trust is a delicate dance between two souls who finally decide to be brave.

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Precious

You are too precious for words sometimes

that I don’t know how to write about you

How you have always been special

and I refused to see it–

a constant low humming at the back of my mind

I’ve gotten used to for years

But was afraid to give it a name, to carve out

a space for you in my heart

Nobody would understand–

It would be the secret that exploded

but that only added fuel to the fire

quietly raging within

And you did it yourself–

You carved out your name in my heart

with impossible deeds and a love so familiar

It’s impossible to push you back to the safe corners

and pretend you were just a footnote in my saga

You are the spark that lit my history book into flames,

pushing me to write the best story of my life

——–

*I pride myself on my inner knowing–how I trust in it fully and how it has moved me upwards, how it flows easily into me and how I wield it more than others do. But there are times when I am stumped. Days like now, I don’t know what to think and my trust on my very intuition falters. I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know what to do about this. But one thing I still know for sure: You are precious and will always be. Even despite all doubts that this can’t be happening, all thoughts that this isn’t mutual, and all efforts to not make it more than what it is…you are still stubbornly precious. That is true. And another truth: I wrote this poem for you.

Innocent Abandon

I thought she was the epitome of youth and naiveté . She turned to me, a ghost of a gasp on her mouth and said I was radiant. And with the setting sun haloing my profile, I truly felt I was glowing from the inside out. Since we were nobodies at the party, we were free to roam the Spanish courtyard and the lawns near the golf course. As soon as I saw the turf with a clear view of an open sky, I couldn’t hold back my desire. I had to share it with someone. So, I took a chance. I told her how I’ve always wanted to walk barefoot on an open field in a gown or a slip of a dress–it doesn’t matter. I just want to feel the sharp, cool, tingly blades of grass under my feet, then lift my arms and face in praise of beauty, earth, and sky before me. I seriously thought she would think me weird. So I was surprised when she suggested that we take off our dainty heels and indulge, with as much rapt eagerness as was flowing from me mere seconds before. That was what we did. She in immaculate white, me in mermaid green. Barefoot, heels discarded beside a random bush. It was one sensually liberating moment for me.

——–

Originally written: September 22, 2011 (Livejournal)

Image credit: Andalucía Andaluía on Unsplash

Songs From My Playlist: Small Song

I’ve been wanting to do a music/song playlist-themed post for quite some time now. I love music. I love singing and dancing along to songs that move me. Like writing, music is also therapy for me. When I need to process thoughts and feelings, or whenever I just feel like retreating into my inner world (also to tune out bothersome people and energy vampires haha), I only need to get to my playlist and the right songs will find me; or I will find them. I feel happy when I get to share the songs I love with people who might appreciate them too. Song choices are very personal, and whatever meaning, emotion, and inspiration I derive from any song would be different for every other person who hears it.

I feel like now’s the right time to do a song post. I’ll be posting a music video of my chosen song for the week, or whenever I feel inspired to. For my first Songs From My Playlist post, it was a toss-up between a lesser-known song by an obscure British indie band, Emily and The Woods, and Dido’s acoustic version of No Freedom. I felt more pulled towards Emily and The Woods today.

Small Song is just a short song at 2 mins and 10 seconds, but it’s so vulnerable and powerful at the same time. It has everything I would want to say to a person I love–all the hopes and fears of a newfound love. Wanting to trust, and wanting reassurance for the trust you’re willing to give. It’s short, sweet, and deep.

This is not the band’s most popular song, though. That would be Steal His Heart, which I discovered way back in late 2011. A quick background on the band for the uninitiated: Emily and The Woods is composed of London-born singer and songwriter Emily Wood, with guitarist brother Benedict Wood, Sam Brown on bass, and Dave Bush on drums. How would I describe their sound/vibe? It’s folksy, youthful, nostalgic, and vulnerable. I’m drawn to unique, whimsical, and hypnotic voices like Emily Wood’s that transport me to another world where I can experience and feel the music. I hope someone else who comes across this song and this band will also love them.

Next week, it’ll be all about Dido. That’s unless I feel drawn to another song entirely. Enjoy!

Small Song (2012) :: Emily and The Woods
Image credit: Emily and The Woods Official FB Page

Love Makes You Stronger

Love makes you happy and love also brings you pain

But through everything, love only makes you stronger.

I keep you with me in a safe corner of my heart

Where everything is pure and innocent and sacred

A place where no one else can get to and break us

Always. That’s what matters for now.

That is my truth and something you need to know for sure.

I may never wrap myself around what it is about you

that keeps pulling me in

I just know a thread is there connecting us and it’s real.

We will be together

If not in this lifetime, then maybe in the next, or the one after that

but not until we’ve learned the lessons we need to learn,

not until our karma is complete.

And if one day I meet someone else who loves me

who I will fall in love with,

I will not waste my youth and my years waiting for you.

Because I deserve love and respect, loyalty and devotion,

happiness and intimacy

An equal partnership, a true marriage of souls.

And if I find all these things and more in someone else’s arms,

I will not hesitate.

Because life is meant to be lived in love and light

And if I’m ready for that but you aren’t,

I will choose the light over you.

Even if it hurts for a while

I will never deny you freedom, because love doesn’t hold you hostage

and keep you bound together in an endless trinity

of fear, indecision, and stagnation.

You break the chain if it doesn’t serve your highest good,

if it keeps you from living out your best life.

You walk away from the shadows and back into the light

Love always gives you the power to choose destinations.

You have been my secret joy and sadness

The unexpected what-if of my life.

But you are also my most important lesson:

Love only makes you stronger.

——–

P.S. I think I understand it better now, what Meryl Streep said on her Golden Globes Lifetime Achievement Award speech: “Take your broken heart and make it into art.”

I have taken the lessons I’ve learned both inspiring and painful, and woven them into art I am proud of. My life revolves around creating and making sense of life through words. Giving myself over to creating with honesty and vulnerability is also slowly peeling away my layers and showing the best bits of me that were hidden before. You can’t go out into the light without braving the darkness first. ☀️

—————-

Image credit: Cathal Mac an Bheatha on Unsplash

Light of the World

*This is my tribute to all the phenomenal women in my life, to those who have and continue to inspire me, and to those I have yet to meet.

Cheers to those girls who had to grow up a little earlier than their peers. Those girls who were thrust with responsibility and old woman’s wisdom when they should’ve been playing house without a care in the world. Those girls who grew into independence and resiliency and wore them well into adulthood. I see you and admire your beauty shaped by the years of inner struggles, some still ongoing, and the battles you survived. Your brave hearts that still give, despite past hurts and coming up empty more times than you want to admit. You carry the weight of the world in your arms strong enough for burdens, but always soft for the ones you love. Cheers to you, to us, because we aren’t celebrated or appreciated enough often by those around us. But we can acknowledge each other, wish each other “Blessed be” when our paths cross, and say we are phenomenal women. We are the pillars of love, hope, and strength in a world that will always look towards our light.

Gardens by the Bay, Singapore (2013)