Eleven Changes

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

-Yoda
  1. I never thought I would enjoy being challenged by yoga and want to do it again.
  2. I never thought I’d be excited to research and include vegan and vegetarian options in my diet.
  3. I never thought I’d be into meditation.
  4. I never thought I’d read and learn a lot from the likes of Tosha Silver and Abraham Hicks.
  5. I never thought I’d lose longtime friends only to meet beautiful and familiar kindred spirits I vibe with in unexpected places.
  6. I never thought I would rise up spiritually and find my own soul tribe.
  7. I never thought I would be a leader in my own way or a teacher/mentor to someone.
  8. I never thought I would uncover my long-buried unique voice and write poems and stories that people want to read.
  9. I never thought I could be a light to friends and anyone in need.
  10. I never thought I would believe in the Universe and guardian angels again.
  11. I never thought I would find love in someone so unexpected and trust that this person loves me too despite the silence and perceived obstacles.

And the constant theme running through all these changes I have gone through and are currently going through: “You are safe, you are blessed. You are loved beyond measure.” β€πŸŒ»πŸ’›

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Full Moon Healing

I have always been drawn to the hypnotic beauty of the full moon. In my imaginings, if I had lived in ancient or mythological times, I would’ve been one of those woodland nymphs who wore flower crowns and flowing white dresses, or wise women who braved the wilderness at night and cast aside all their worldly concerns to dance in ecstasy under the light of the full moon. And while I’m very much aware this would be labeled as pagan today (I don’t care much about labels, anyway), I still find the thought empowering. That these women harnessed power, beauty, mystical wisdom, and seduction into their physical forms, to use however they saw fit. These days, spiritual gurus say you can indeed harness the powers of the full moon by setting your intentions–anything you want to release and let go of. Since I can’t just go out into the woods and dance under the full moon (too many real world dangers at present to make this happen), I’ll settle for this instead.

I want to let go of people who have been untrue and have hurt me in any way. People who I gave my heart to once–my secrets, my innermost thoughts and feelings. Even those who at some point I considered family or someone I could entrust my life to but have done irreparable damage to the trust I gave them. There’s no going back now. But I do not regret the love and trust I gave away for it was my choice to give it to them wholeheartedly. They were learning experiences in my personal journey and soul growth. I can forgive, but it sure is a big damn well of relief to know that it’s okay to let them go for my own good, so thank you for all the things I learned from you. I am the strong woman I am today because of the painful but necessary changes I went through.

I also want to release doubts, worries, and fears dampening my enthusiasm for life. I am magic, I have power, I can create, I can make things happen. Most of all, I can write. And I can love. Strip away everything–all the titles and achievements and awards. All your money and material possessions. What’s most important is your ability to love and be loved.

All those times you were searching blindly for happiness and answers to your own questions in others–that time has ended now. What you wanted was yourself all along–whole and powerful. What you wanted was freedom and independence from anyone and anything preventing you to be your true self, to bloom and to shine. What you needed was to find love, strength, courage, and peace within yourself.

Trust is a delicate dance

Trust is such a fragile thing. I don’t even know why I bother sometimes. Why I always put my heart out on the line only to get hurt and disappointed. I heal and then I do it all over again, knowing that at some point I will get hurt. But to live fully is also to love, and to love means to open yourself up to immense joy and equally immense suffering. If you never trust and take the risk to love, you’ll never grow and learn how to be true and vulnerable with someone. You’ll be stuck as you are, where you are–safe on the shore with skin-deep relationships. You’ll never find out how deep you can go with another person. You’ll never find out if you can soar.

But some day, someone will spark a light in you with just a look, a few words, or an embrace you never saw coming. And at that moment you just have a feeling you will never be the same person you were moments before impact. You would give your trust-wrapped heart on a silver platter and think it will be enough.

It will be for a time. But one person doing all the giving cannot sustain a love no matter how blessed it is. It needs an equal give and take of trust. Trust is a delicate dance between two souls who finally decide to be brave.

40th Day

After recently losing a friend to lung cancer, I had a reality check.

Am I living the kind of life that I want? What am I really doing with my life? Is it filled with meaning and purpose? Does my work make me excited to get up in the morning and create? Does it make me feel happy and fulfilled despite the late nights and the stressed-out mind?Β 

My friend, Carla, was an advocate of following your bliss no matter what it is and living the kind of life you want to live. Being the kind of person you’re inspired to become. Continuously working at pursuing your goals while navigating “adulting” moments.

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Remembering her is still raw and hits me unexpectedly–I could be on a car ride and in my mind I’d be on one of those late night parked car conversations with Carla, gushing all about how my love for this person inspired me to write poems. And she would tell me to keep on writing, that what I’m doing is a wonderful thing. Then I’d snap back to reality and the grim realization that we would never have an intimate conversation ever again or trade adulting notes. I would never hear her laugh or see her crinkly-eyed amusement at my stories.

Loss teaches us the hardest life lessons. Losing Carla gave me the guts to look at mortality in the eye and be afraid of her less. Because the only way to keep soldiering on every day is if you treat mortality as a collaborator, and not the enemy.

Life goes on and must go on despite loss. And in moving forward, I realized that I need to do work–not just any work–creative work that makes me happy every day, that inspires me to grow, to be a better and kinder person, to help others, to be more compassionate, giving, and loving. To be more than just surviving from payday to payday. To squeeze out every little ounce of potential and possibility I have in me. To share my gifts with the world. To live with no regrets. Yes, even when there are people I loved and trusted, and decisions I’ve made that make me feel like wiping the slate clean. To look at problems, hurts, and setbacks as learning experiences, notΒ mistakes.

Losing Carla was a wake-up call. Of the briefness of life. Of the certainty of death. Of the unfairness of loss. But mostly, of the need to live with more purpose and authenticity so that when our time comes, no matter when it is, we can leave behind everyone and everything we hold dear with no regrets.

Maybe that’s my friend’s biggest legacy. To constantly be an inspiration to us, we who were lucky to have known her and to have spent time with her. To spend our lives doing what we love to do. To pay it forward by doing good to others in whatever way we can alongside the pursuit of our goals and passions.

I hope that as I continue my journey here on Earth, that I can live with purpose and meaning, love and happiness, and with satisfaction that I am on the right path to pursuing my dreams and building the home I’ve envisioned for myself.

Thank you, Carla for being a light to us. For knocking some sense into me before it’s too late. Even from the other side, you’re still sharing your pearls of wisdom to us.

We miss you and we’ll love you always.

NY Literary Magazine Poetry Contest Finalist

I am proud to share that I am a finalist in the recently concluded FLAMES Erotic Poetry Contest by the NY Literary Magazine. I was one of thousands all over the world who submitted their work. I submitted multiple poems and wasn’t expecting much, but one of them made it!

It still feels surreal, like a wish-fulfillment dream I could wake up from any minute because reality is far from it…but it is REAL.

And it’s enough motivation and encouragement to continue believing that yes, I AM A WRITER. And I will continue writing. Cheers!

My poem and other finalists’ poems will be published in the December 2017 issue of NY Literary Magazine.