I have always been drawn to the hypnotic beauty of the full moon. In my imaginings, if I had lived in ancient or mythological times, I would’ve been one of those woodland nymphs who wore flower crowns and flowing white dresses, or wise women who braved the wilderness at night and cast aside all their worldly concerns to dance in ecstasy under the light of the full moon. And while I’m very much aware this would be labeled as pagan today (I don’t care much about labels, anyway), I still find the thought empowering. That these women harnessed power, beauty, mystical wisdom, and seduction into their physical forms, to use however they saw fit. These days, spiritual gurus say you can indeed harness the powers of the full moon by setting your intentions–anything you want to release and let go of. Since I can’t just go out into the woods and dance under the full moon (too many real world dangers at present to make this happen), I’ll settle for this instead.
I want to let go of people who have been untrue and have hurt me in any way. People who I gave my heart to once–my secrets, my innermost thoughts and feelings. Even those who at some point I considered family or someone I could entrust my life to but have done irreparable damage to the trust I gave them. There’s no going back now. But I do not regret the love and trust I gave away for it was my choice to give it to them wholeheartedly. They were learning experiences in my personal journey and soul growth. I can forgive, but it sure is a big damn well of relief to know that it’s okay to let them go for my own good, so thank you for all the things I learned from you. I am the strong woman I am today because of the painful but necessary changes I went through.
I also want to release doubts, worries, and fears dampening my enthusiasm for life. I am magic, I have power, I can create, I can make things happen. Most of all, I can write. And I can love. Strip away everything–all the titles and achievements and awards. All your money and material possessions. What’s most important is your ability to love and be loved.
All those times you were searching blindly for happiness and answers to your own questions in others–that time has ended now. What you wanted was yourself all along–whole and powerful. What you wanted was freedom and independence from anyone and anything preventing you to be your true self, to bloom and to shine. What you needed was to find love, strength, courage, and peace within yourself.
Trust is such a fragile thing. I don’t even know why I bother sometimes. Why I always put my heart out on the line only to get hurt and disappointed. I heal and then I do it all over again, knowing that at some point I will get hurt. But to live fully is also to love, and to love means to open yourself up to immense joy and equally immense suffering. If you never trust and take the risk to love, you’ll never grow and learn how to be true and vulnerable with someone. You’ll be stuck as you are, where you are–safe on the shore with skin-deep relationships. You’ll never find out how deep you can go with another person. You’ll never find out if you can soar.
But some day, someone will spark a light in you with just a look, a few words, or an embrace you never saw coming. And at that moment you just have a feeling you will never be the same person you were moments before impact. You would give your trust-wrapped heart on a silver platter and think it will be enough.
It will be for a time. But one person doing all the giving cannot sustain a love no matter how blessed it is. It needs an equal give and take of trust. Trust is a delicate dance between two souls who finally decide to be brave.
It’s impossible to push you back to the safe corners
and pretend you were just a footnote in my saga
You are the spark that lit my history book into flames,
pushing me to write the best story of my life
*I pride myself on my inner knowing–how I trust in it fully and how it has moved me upwards, how it flows easily into me and how I wield it more than others do. But there are times when I am stumped. Days like now, I don’t know what to think and my trust on my very intuition falters. I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know what to do about this. But one thing I still know for sure: You are precious and will always be. Even despite all doubts that this can’t be happening, all thoughts that this isn’t mutual, and all efforts to not make it more than what it is…you are still stubbornly precious. That is true. And another truth: I wrote this poem for you.
I thought she was the epitome of youth and naiveté . She turned to me, a ghost of a gasp on her mouth and said I was radiant. And with the setting sun haloing my profile, I truly felt I was glowing from the inside out. Since we were nobodies at the party, we were free to roam the Spanish courtyard and the lawns near the golf course. As soon as I saw the turf with a clear view of an open sky, I couldn’t hold back my desire. I had to share it with someone. So, I took a chance. I told her how I’ve always wanted to walk barefoot on an open field in a gown or a slip of a dress–it doesn’t matter. I just want to feel the sharp, cool, tingly blades of grass under my feet, then lift my arms and face in praise of beauty, earth, and sky before me. I seriously thought she would think me weird. So I was surprised when she suggested that we take off our dainty heels and indulge, with as much rapt eagerness as was flowing from me mere seconds before. That was what we did. She in immaculate white, me in mermaid green. Barefoot, heels discarded beside a random bush. It was one sensually liberating moment for me.
Originally written: September 22, 2011 (Livejournal)
I’ve been wanting to do a music/song playlist-themed post for quite some time now. I love music. I love singing and dancing along to songs that move me. Like writing, music is also therapy for me. When I need to process thoughts and feelings, or whenever I just feel like retreating into my inner world (also to tune out bothersome people and energy vampires haha), I only need to get to my playlist and the right songs will find me; or I will find them. I feel happy when I get to share the songs I love with people who might appreciate them too. Song choices are very personal, and whatever meaning, emotion, and inspiration I derive from any song would be different for every other person who hears it.
I feel like now’s the right time to do a song post. I’ll be posting a music video of my chosen song for the week, or whenever I feel inspired to. For my first Songs From My Playlist post, it was a toss-up between a lesser-known song by an obscure British indie band, Emily and The Woods, and Dido’s acoustic version of No Freedom. I felt more pulled towards Emily and The Woods today.
Small Song is just a short song at 2 mins and 10 seconds, but it’s so vulnerable and powerful at the same time. It has everything I would want to say to a person I love–all the hopes and fears of a newfound love. Wanting to trust, and wanting reassurance for the trust you’re willing to give. It’s short, sweet, and deep.
This is not the band’s most popular song, though. That would be Steal His Heart, which I discovered way back in late 2011. A quick background on the band for the uninitiated: Emily and The Woods is composed of London-born singer and songwriter Emily Wood, with guitarist brother Benedict Wood, Sam Brown on bass, and Dave Bush on drums. How would I describe their sound/vibe? It’s folksy, youthful, nostalgic, and vulnerable. I’m drawn to unique, whimsical, and hypnotic voices like Emily Wood’s that transport me to another world where I can experience and feel the music. I hope someone else who comes across this song and this band will also love them.
Next week, it’ll be all about Dido. That’s unless I feel drawn to another song entirely. Enjoy!