Big Bang

“You love the soul, not the gender.”

That is something I believe has taken root in me since I was a kid. My soul already knew. I just wasn’t prepared to accept it as my truth. How could I, when I was trying to fit in with the 3D programming set up for me? Somewhere in the middle, I forgot all about it. A quarterlife amnesia. But then, out of nowhere, you were my Big Bang. Our galaxies aligned into one stellar Universe. The ancient and evergreen wisdom was awakened in me again. I am not afraid anymore. I am me. I am free.

Someday, you will also break all the barriers you set up and let the love in you take its place as the Sun–the core, the center of the Universe. And with it, all possibilities will thrive for you.

Image credit: Alfred Pasieka / Science Photo Library @ Getty Images

💗 Love Aura ðŸ’—

Love is what you are. Do not let the heartaches of rejection and personal trials poison your capacity to love. Because your gift to the world is being someone who brings pure love into the lives of those you touch, even for brief moments. Being present with them, holding space for them when they most needed someone to remind them of hope and their best bits–their own light, courage, and strength.

Your aura has power. Use it to raise your own and the collective’s vibration. You are a lightworker, a wayshower, a manifestation of the divine here on earth. Claim it. Live it. The world needs you. The world needs more of us now more than ever. ✨💗✨

Love is in the details

It hurt. This impulse that I had to memorize every little detail I could about you in that stolen hour. Because you made it clear the moment I sat down–you didn’t want a repeat.

I felt your eyes on me buoyed by the silence, taking me all in–memorizing every inch of skin, the gossamer chain resting on my neck, the navy pinstripes of my dress, and when I finally felt safe to look, your wave ebbed and it was my turn to flow all over you. I remember the color you wore–something I never would’ve thought you’d choose. But then I was relying on what I knew of you before. It didn’t matter–that day you were a stranger, yet so dear to me at the same time. I wanted hours to know you all over again and more.

~

I’ve never been more conscious of eating and using cutlery before–never counted every bite and chew, or contemplated swallowing. Every second was precious, and yet, wasted.

~

I found my footing at the details that never changed–the way your lips would curl when you’re trying to keep laughter from coming out, but it still spills, anyway. And the way you’d turn your head when you couldn’t look at me anymore–I could feel your blush, and I’ve always found that so cute and endearing. It’s so you.

There are just some things you can’t keep hidden no matter how hard you try. Even the ones you’ve buried for over a decade. Secrets you hold sacred and close to your heart. Parts of you that nobody else knows. Not because they would expose the real you, but because their light blinds you and you’re scared of what could happen when they’re all out in the open.

~

I keep thinking of your hands–slim fingers connecting to slim wrists and how they would feel interlaced with mine. I remember the warmth, the certainty, as they rested on my back in that unexpected but welcome embrace. It felt like home.

~

I was holding out for something–a parting touch, an embrace. I was yearning for it, was sure enough to expect it. But you already turned away from me, and as I waited for my ride home, I couldn’t keep the tears anymore and I couldn’t even tell anyone why. I’ve just been witness to my first real heartbreak.

~

I learned to let go because denial does not define you and how I feel for you. It’s not the last thing I want to remember you by. It’s not something I regret. Because I discovered that love is not all about the other person, not about getting what you want the way you want it and when you want it. That’s ego steering the wheel. Love is being and accepting. It’s accepting who you are at the moment, who the other is at that moment, living in your authenticity and expressing your love however you can.

And I did just that. I drank from the cup until only the dregs were left and I let it refine me–into someone with an inner strength and light I never thought was in me all along.

~

I still think of you and I still feel our love. It’s a part of me already–one of the best bits.

New Moon Dreams

I had a dream. I was reading my poems to you, my face hidden by my leather bound notebook. You were loving me and the sanctity of the moment. You couldn’t seem to keep your eyes away from the light haloing my flushed face. I have never felt more innocent and bold at the same time. I wanted to cup your cheeks with my hands and just gaze into your eyes all night. But you needed to hear my voice. So, I read my poems to you one by one and filled our room with whispers of love and longing, of beauty and hope, of passion and honesty. We both claimed something that was ours and sailed away on calm silken seas, ready to brave tempests together…never to feel lost and alone again. ❤

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Ed. July 2, 2019 | Originally written: What now feels like a lifetime ago

Love is Like Ice Skating

In honor of a departed friend’s upcoming birthday, this post is a memory of an awesome day we had, 13 years ago. I originally posted this on my Livejournal blog.

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Nov. 10, 2006
I was so excited to see Alyjane & Carla again after such a looong time. 🙂 Aly & I scoured both NBS and Powerbooks of Megamall and Shang before having lunch and we were later joined by Carla at the first Cine Europa screening of the day, 
“Karo and God Himself”.

This film was simply a joy to watch. Karo made me laugh with her stubborn determination in getting “God” to make her wish come true, and she almost moved me to tears as she learned a lot of valuable lessons and developed a pure friendship with him. Little Resi Reiner (Karo) was able to charm the audiences with her innocence, humor, and wit.

After Cine Europa, we went ice skating, which I haven’t done for 3 years. We were laughing at ourselves because we looked funny–3 child-like girls all giddy and giggly with their hands linked together. We remembered the first time we did this together, and the memory that stood out the most was of us slipping and falling and just laughing it off, not caring how silly we all looked as we were getting acquainted with our skating legs. I was back to 0 again since I forgot how to glide on ice without hogging the bars. But I still haven’t forgotten the mixed feelings of bliss, excitement, and fear when I’m learning how to skate. I was having so much fun, I didn’t notice that I already had bruises because of the tight skates. After I got home and I’ve already rested my bruised feet, I had a crazy realization that love is like learning how to skate on ice. It’s an experience that makes you feel excited and giddy, and your heart race faster. (The moment I was finally able to face my fear of falling by letting go of the bars and gliding on ice–incomparable. I felt like I was flying and that anything was possible.) Of course, there’s still that slight fear that you might slip or fall, but once you get the hang of it, you feel pure bliss–as if you’re light and soaring on air, oblivious to everything else. You will still fall and you will feel a bit embarassed, but you will muster all your strength to get up and start again, determined to make everything go smoothly and not to fall again. You will get bruises too but does that stop you from skating? Of course not. You do your best and hopefully you perfect it this time. But when do you finally stop? You stop when you’re so tired and your feet feels sore and every glide feels painful, or when you discover that you already have a lot of bruises from skating too hard. ❤

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