Purpose in Patience

Patience in love means timelessness of the heart, not waiting with bated breath and weighted expectations. It means you have surrendered to what you already know is true deep within your heart, and trusting that everything is unfolding the way it needs to. You’ve stopped attaching yourself to the when. It means being present in the now and focusing on what needs your immediate care and attention–your own needs, passions, and dreams, instead of spending all your precious energy on someone else or doling it out to multiple people and tasks at a time as if it’s unli rice. It means letting the past stay in the past, but honoring the lessons you’ve learned from it. It’s not projecting yourself too far ahead onto an unknowable future that you forget to savor a breathtaking sunset or a shared meal with a loved one.

Patience is that Ray Lamontagne song with the haunting chorus of:

“Be here now, be here now”

Reminding the listener to:

“Don’t let your heart get heavy
Child, inside you there’s a strength that lies”

There is purpose in patience. We have avocado trees at home and avocado is currently in season. Instead of using a net to get all the avocados one by one, I have the patience to let them be until they reach maturity. During this “waiting period” which doesn’t feel like waiting idly at all, I spend time like I always do. I do work that keeps me moving forward, not aimlessly. I reconnect with the divine to get my creative juices flowing. I tend to my soul’s garden of delights. I am reminded of avocados every day–it’s hard not to ignore those shiny, smooth emerald teardrops–tempting to me as apples were to Eve in the Garden of Eden. But I just take a longing look and my heart swells in gratitude for the blessing that I could almost taste–soft and creamy, a pleasure with muscovado. “Not yet, Lea. But almost there. Have patience, dearest. We are teaching you the virtue of patience.”

Then on a day when I least expect it, avocados just break off from the branches and fall to the ground in numbers. Only then do I pick them up one by one and enjoy the literal fruits of patience. You cannot force something to come to fruition until it’s time. Patience reveals its own rewards.

To be bold and have the whole pie

Love is both sides of the coin–you take the good and the bad, the happiness and the pain, the ups and downs–one can’t exist without the other. If you only wanted the good and happy times or only to avoid getting hurt, it’s not love that you want–it’s the illusion of it. A genuine love requires one to be bold and vulnerable at the same time. To give as much as you take, to surrender to its ebb and flow, to commit to the whole and not only choosing the parts you like. It’s the entire pie, and not just a slice. It is an unpredictable high risk and high reward investment.

Navigating the desires of the heart can be messy and confusing, especially when your default mode is the neatness and preciseness of logic, relying on the safety of what the ego says is best for you. But love can also inspire you to smash the walls you’ve built around you keeping you safe, and help you reclaim the courage you’ve always known was inside you. You can finally be free to explore what other wonders are waiting for you on the other side.

Image credit: Aleksandra Tanasienko @ Unsplash

Love is the boldest stroke

“Is this really the boldest stroke you can make?” — The Half of It

It’s a line from a movie I didn’t expect I would resonate with and join my favorites list. I hear Ellie asking Aster and it becomes me asking myself, “Is this the boldest stroke I can make?”

I haven’t felt like I was making bold strokes until I learned to choose and embrace myself, until I grew comfortable in the silence and the stillness and found moments of peace, acceptance, and clarity I never even knew I was thirsting for. Moments of finding the courage to peel away the layers and reveal a truth or another part of me is also me painting one bold stroke after another. I’m nowhere near done yet with my painting and I still have a lot of space to cover. I have no idea what it would look like, but I am having fun creating it, building it stroke by stroke.

You wonder why you feel stuck or know you’re unhappy but never do anything to change it. You simply go on doing the things you do and stick with some people and relationships even when deep down you just know that who you are now doesn’t align with them anymore. You stay because they’re familiar and easy–they’re not challenging you to do the bloody inner work, to face your triggers and rise above them. Is it because you fear change? Is it because where you are is safe and accepted by the ones you feel you need approval from? But what is safe and what does external validation do for us, really? Is it even worth denying an essential part of yourself?

One of my bold strokes is finally deciding I’ve had enough of this and I won’t settle for safe and thumbsed up by everyone else but me. I learned you only grow when you learn to trust yourself and venture out of your comfort zone and into the wild unknown. When you realize the only approval and validation you need is from your authentic self, it’s a weight lifted off of your shoulders. It’s the taste of freedom and unity like that time the sea called out to me–waves lapping at my feet and without thinking, I just went into the water–my hair mimicking the waves and my dress getting soaked, a storm brewing on the horizon and I’ve never been happier. I want more of that and I am ready for it.

However my painting turns out to be, I hope it’s a beautiful mess of bold, colorful strokes speckled with jewels of neverending discoveries amidst the unknown.

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Third post in the series: Music / Film + Writing Heals πŸ’–

P.S. Ellie and Aster’s flirtation is a bold stroke for me and I like it. 😚

Wear it with pride

I used to think that wearing my heart on my sleeve was a weakness. And that to be a stronger person, to be taken more seriously, I needed to change. I had to be the opposite–keep everything in check. Keep the bubbliness and warmth from spilling over, don’t say what I really feel like saying at the exact moment I needed to. But no, it didn’t work. I was wearing a mask and felt the weight of being an imposter. I really am warm and bubbly and spontaneous. And I always feel better saying what I am intuitively guided to say to someone at the moment instead of waiting for the perfect time to say it, and not getting hung up on how the other person takes it. Our matrix perception of a “perfect time” is unreliable and even when there is perfect timing and you wait for it, the person might not be there to hear what you have to say when you think you’re ready. Better out than in.

Wearing love has only ever been my strength. That I could express and share my love and affection so freely is my natural state. Love is a super power, not a weakness.

Image credit: Aditya Saxena @ Unsplash

My Cherie Amour

Almost Famous (2000) | William sees Penny

Scene commentary: Kate Hudson as Penny Lane was golden in this scene. No doubt about it, in this film, she was Penny Lane. Patrick Fugit as William (the underage journalist/music-lover writer) translated all the awkwardness of telling the truth to someone you love even though it hurts. And we get a very powerful moment that transcends film and tugs at something inside us in reality.

William may look sweet and naΓ―ve, but he can see beyond the illusions of the Penny Lane persona. And that’s what scares her. To have someone who can be brutally honest with you even if it hurts you, who sees the real you and loves you for it can be unbearable for someone who desperately wants to stick with her illusions. Clearly, “Penny Lane” has a lot of growing up to do. William knows that and loves her enough to want her to shatter her own illusions. πŸ’–
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“You are worthy of the deepest kind of love.”

Since I first watched this film, I wasn’t immune to Penny Lane’s charms. Her beauty, sensuality, confidence, daring, and childlike wonder drew me in to her depths. Penny Lane was a mystery I wanted to get to the bottom of. She was a siren calling out to me with her song. At the end, I got to know her like every wounded sacred woman: looking for love in everyone and everything else but herself.

There is a Penny Lane in all of us at some point. She is also the inner child yearning to be heard, seen, and set free. She reminds me of my younger self who still had a long way to go before her own awakening and healing journey. She is in parts of me that I have yet to embrace and express. She is me every time I belt out to that Queen song, “I want to break free”.

Penny Lane is so real, raw, and vulnerable. I just want to love her. And as I write this, I realize that the deepest kind of love I will ever know and commit to is the love I find in myself. The highest form of unconditional love can only come from yourself, not from others. Unconditional love’s only requirement is to love the whole. And most especially, the parts you rejected and have kept hidden for years–parts that triggered chaos, pain, and shame in you. When you’re ready to fully open up to that kind of love, only then can you accept it from another and nurture it. Because no matter the depths someone else is capable of loving you, when you haven’t explored your own depths and learned to love yourself whole, you will always reject love that’s being offered to you freely.

I embrace all parts of me that I hid, especially those I was ashamed of–the bits that used to make me feel inferior, unworthy, unloved. I set myself free from all poisonous thoughts, limiting beliefs, and all the barriers to love I put up myself. I will not put up with them any longer. I reclaim my power that’s rooted in unconditional love of self. I am open to more opportunities for growth and abundance. I desire and attract the kind of love that matches and nurtures my own.

P.S. I recommend listening to the song, My Cherie Amour (the long soul version) by Stevie Wonder to accompany this piece.

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Second post in the series: Music / Film + Writing Heals πŸ’–

Almost Famous (2000) | Penny Lane / Lady Goodman