Eleven Changes

“Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.”

-Yoda
  1. I never thought I would enjoy being challenged by yoga and want to do it again.
  2. I never thought I’d be excited to research and include vegan and gluten-free options in my diet.
  3. I never thought I’d be into meditation.
  4. I never thought I’d read and learn a lot from the likes of Tosha Silver and Abraham Hicks.
  5. I never thought I’d lose longtime friends only to meet beautiful and familiar kindred spirits I vibe with in unexpected places.
  6. I never thought I would rise up spiritually and find my own soul tribe.
  7. I never thought I would be a leader in my own way or a teacher/mentor to someone.
  8. I never thought I would uncover my long-buried unique voice and write poems and stories that people want to read.
  9. I never thought I could be a light to friends and anyone in need.
  10. I never thought I would believe in the Universe and guardian angels again.
  11. I never thought I would find love in someone so unexpected and trust that this person loves me too despite the silence and perceived obstacles.

And the constant theme running through all these changes I have gone through and are currently going through: “You are safe, you are blessed. You are loved beyond measure.” โค๐ŸŒป๐Ÿ’›

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Full Moon Healing

I have always been drawn to the hypnotic beauty of the full moon. In my imaginings, if I had lived in ancient or mythological times, I would’ve been one of those woodland nymphs who wore flower crowns and flowing white dresses, or wise women who braved the wilderness at night and cast aside all their worldly concerns to dance in ecstasy under the light of the full moon. And while I’m very much aware this would be labeled as pagan today (I don’t care much about labels, anyway), I still find the thought empowering. That these women harnessed power, beauty, mystical wisdom, and seduction into their physical forms, to use however they saw fit. These days, spiritual gurus say you can indeed harness the powers of the full moon by setting your intentions–anything you want to release and let go of. Since I can’t just go out into the woods and dance under the full moon (too many real world dangers at present to make this happen), I’ll settle for this instead.

I want to let go of people who have been untrue and have hurt me in any way. People who I gave my heart to once–my secrets, my innermost thoughts and feelings. Even those who at some point I considered family or someone I could entrust my life to but have done irreparable damage to the trust I gave them. There’s no going back now. But I do not regret the love and trust I gave away for it was my choice to give it to them wholeheartedly. They were learning experiences in my personal journey and soul growth. I can forgive, but it sure is a big damn well of relief to know that it’s okay to let them go for my own good, so thank you for all the things I learned from you. I am the strong woman I am today because of the painful but necessary changes I went through.

I also want to release doubts, worries, and fears dampening my enthusiasm for life. I am magic, I have power, I can create, I can make things happen. Most of all, I can write. And I can love. Strip away everything–all the titles and achievements and awards. All your money and material possessions. What’s most important is your ability to love and be loved.

All those times you were searching blindly for happiness and answers to your own questions in others–that time has ended now. What you wanted was yourself all along–whole and powerful. What you wanted was freedom and independence from anyone and anything preventing you to be your true self, to bloom and to shine. What you needed was to find love, strength, courage, and peace within yourself.

Precious

You are too precious for words sometimes

that I don’t know how to write about you

How you have always been special

and I refused to see it–

a constant low humming at the back of my mind

I’ve gotten used to for years

But was afraid to give it a name, to carve out

a space for you in my heart

Nobody would understand–

It would be the secret that exploded

but that only added fuel to the fire

quietly raging within

And you did it yourself–

You carved out your name in my heart

with impossible deeds and a love so familiar

It’s impossible to push you back to the safe corners

and pretend you were just a footnote in my saga

You are the spark that lit my history book into flames,

pushing me to write the best story of my life

——–

*I pride myself on my inner knowing–how I trust in it fully and how it has moved me upwards, how it flows easily into me and how I wield it more than others do. But there are times when I am stumped. Days like now, I don’t know what to think and my trust on my very intuition falters. I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know what to do about this. But one thing I still know for sure: You are precious and will always be. Even despite all doubts that this can’t be happening, all thoughts that this isn’t mutual, and all efforts to not make it more than what it is…you are still stubbornly precious. That is true. And another truth: I wrote this poem for you.

Love Makes You Stronger

Love makes you happy and love also brings you pain

But through everything, love only makes you stronger.

I keep you with me in a safe corner of my heart

Where everything is pure and innocent and sacred

A place where no one else can get to and break us

Always. That’s what matters for now.

That is my truth and something you need to know for sure.

I may never wrap myself around what it is about you

that keeps pulling me in

I just know a thread is there connecting us and it’s real.

We will be together

If not in this lifetime, then maybe in the next, or the one after that

but not until we’ve learned the lessons we need to learn,

not until our karma is complete.

And if one day I meet someone else who loves me

who I will fall in love with,

I will not waste my youth and my years waiting for you.

Because I deserve love and respect, loyalty and devotion,

happiness and intimacy

An equal partnership, a true marriage of souls.

And if I find all these things and more in someone else’s arms,

I will not hesitate.

Because life is meant to be lived in love and light

And if I’m ready for that but you aren’t,

I will choose the light over you.

Even if it hurts for a while

I will never deny you freedom, because love doesn’t hold you hostage

and keep you bound together in an endless trinity

of fear, indecision, and stagnation.

You break the chain if it doesn’t serve your highest good,

if it keeps you from living out your best life.

You walk away from the shadows and back into the light

Love always gives you the power to choose destinations.

You have been my secret joy and sadness

The unexpected what-if of my life.

But you are also my most important lesson:

Love only makes you stronger.

——–

P.S. I think I understand it better now, what Meryl Streep said on her Golden Globes Lifetime Achievement Award speech: “Take your broken heart and make it into art.”

I have taken the lessons I’ve learned both inspiring and painful, and woven them into art I am proud of. My life revolves around creating and making sense of life through words. Giving myself over to creating with honesty and vulnerability is also slowly peeling away my layers and showing the best bits of me that were hidden before. You can’t go out into the light without braving the darkness first. โ˜€๏ธ

—————-

Image credit: Cathal Mac an Bheatha on Unsplash

Light of the World

*This is my tribute to all the phenomenal women in my life, to those who have and continue to inspire me, and to those I have yet to meet.

Cheers to those girls who had to grow up a little earlier than their peers. Those girls who were thrust with responsibility and old woman’s wisdom when they should’ve been playing house without a care in the world. Those girls who grew into independence and resiliency and wore them well into adulthood. I see you and admire your beauty shaped by the years of inner struggles, some still ongoing, and the battles you survived. Your brave hearts that still give, despite past hurts and coming up empty more times than you want to admit. You carry the weight of the world in your arms strong enough for burdens, but always soft for the ones you love. Cheers to you, to us, because we aren’t celebrated or appreciated enough often by those around us. But we can acknowledge each other, wish each other “Blessed be” when our paths cross, and say we are phenomenal women. We are the pillars of love, hope, and strength in a world that will always look towards our light.

Gardens by the Bay, Singapore (2013)

Confidence wears a bright orange flippy skirt

*This is something I wrote back in 2010, when I was still blogging at Livejournal. Then out of nowhere, I just remembered this post a few days ago, as if someone tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me of it. I felt compelled to share it here on my WordPress site, especially after reading it again after such a long time, and realizing that the truths I’ve written all those years ago, are still very much ringing true today. It’s bizarre but in a good way.

~~~

There’s a leak in my cabinet. Whenever it rains hard (as it has been doing on and off these past few weeks), I can hear the pitter-pattering of water from the top to the middle shelf. I had to evacuate all my clothes and other stuff (yoga mat and empty perfume bottles included). This is a perfect time for a wardrobe overhaul–sort through clothes I should be giving away, and keep those that still love mon petit corps. As I was rummaging through them, I spotted my bright orange beach skirt–the one that’s so flippy, even a gentle breeze can bring it to life. It’s been two years since I bought it and I haven’t worn it even once. It still fits me perfectly. I did a happy dance and was lost in it for a while, longing very much to be a student of it again. I imagined myself walking barefoot on sandy shores–the salty sea air filling up my lungs in a most delicious way, and the cool breeze whipping my hair. It’s always a comforting reverie.

As I was very much occupied with the task at hand, my mind kept zoning in and out on different trains of thought. It would board on a station, get off at a stop, and board the next train to a new destination. It’s crazy. I remember some bits and pieces, and now I’m trying to challenge my memory. Introspection strikes again!

I’ve been re-learning a lot of things lately, and at the same time, I’ve been recharging myself. I’m letting go of the excesses.   

First stop. I realized that no matter how much you think of other people, they will almost always be self-absorbed. That’s just the way it is. As much as we are all caught up in our own affairs, I still want those who matter to me to be emotionally available. To really listen and understand what I’m saying, to take time to be really with me in the present. I’ve had enough of selflessly doling out pieces of myself and ending up unsatisfied.   

Second stop. What works for others doesn’t necessarily work for me. Different strokes for different folks, my friend. I don’t have to compete with anyone else. And I don’t have to pattern myself to what others have successfully achieved. I believe that I too will be successful and become excellent in what I do, and even then I don’t need to broadcast it. It’s enough that I know my own worth. 

Third stop. I am demanding, but I can live with it. I am not into things done halfheartedly. I want to be loved for my entirety, the same way I do with a precious few. It should be mutual. Countless times I’ve been the go-to girl when loved ones have thoughts and problems they couldn’t share with anyone else. They allow me to see them at their most vulnerable because in some little way, I can give them what they need–comfort and understanding. But as much as I know that I am capable of being their “rock”, I don’t want to be solely considered as that kind of person. I want to be there for the good times as much as the bad times. I want to celebrate with you as much as just be there to listen and uplift you. I don’t want to be excluded, much less to be noticed and valued only when you’re at your lowest and feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. I can only give so much of myself.      

Fourth stop. I thrive in an environment that allows me to just be MYSELF. A sanctuary where I can let loose all my creativity and passions, and infuse a touch of Leanesque in every aspect. I am at my best when I can nurture, inspire, encourage, and strengthen others. I am at my happiest when I could translate thoughts, ideas, feelings, and experiences into words that make people feel something too. I want to continue being warm and generous, and feel safe, knowing for sure that I will not be hurt in any way.   

Last stop. Never ever lose the light. For a long time, I didn’t embrace my uniqueness. It took a very special angel of a friend who calls me “little Elizabeth Barrett Browning” to make me realize that (to her especially) I am a rose that’s unique from all the rest. That my poetry is beautiful and I need not wait for somebody else to tell me that. I know it, and I can feel it in my bones. My passion lies here and that’s all that matters. 

Now, the mirror shows a girl in an orange flippy skirt, with twinkling eyes and a devil-may-care smile on her rosy lips. She doesn’t always feel like this, but now she is free.

——–

Image credit: frank mckenna on Unsplash 

Dream a little dream of me

I believe that our desires speak clearly to us in our dreams. It does not matter whether we are asleep or awake, whether we are fully aware of it or not.

The message will come. Maybe in cryptic fragments, maybe in a series like a comic strip or fantasy saga, or maybe it will appear whole, which can be inspiring and intimidating at the same time. But the point is, that our desires become manifest in dreams. And it is up to us whether to leave it as nothing more than a dream and get on with our lives as usual, or something that can take root in reality and create a life of its own–with our help of course.

I dreamt of you more than once already and every time, you always felt like home. I dreamed you into being and you were there when I least expected it. And though I have built a cozy home for myself, softened some edges with time, thought I couldn’t possibly have room for anyone else, you came. You are my moment that felt like Fate.

I know now that I want to keep on building with you if you share the same dreams too. Let’s take this waltz and not look back.

——–

Image credit: Sasha Freemindย onย Unsplash